8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
