"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Blood and glitter go together right?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
