I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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