I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
