so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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