my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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