ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
