The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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