Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
