I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Less talking, more tequila
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
