Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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