No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
