this beer tastes like vomit already
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
