I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They took my balls.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
