No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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