you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
