Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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