it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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