That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
