Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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