Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
