I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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