I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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