I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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