Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
someone owes me an orgasm
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
