My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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