I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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