Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
