Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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