I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
