Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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