It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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