The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I understand Curling. That high.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
