so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.