how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?