I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house