You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
