I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
