Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
