My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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