Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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