Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
