I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
