I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
