when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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