Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
