you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
