Banned from zoo.
Again?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
