I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
