the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
