just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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