I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Even the bartender felt bad for me
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
