Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
