two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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