i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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