i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drunk is not a location!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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