THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
