when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
