My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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