Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
