my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She bit a glass in half.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
