Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
