Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
